Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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