I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
