uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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