Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
