i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I want a musical about memes.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
