Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
