Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
