My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Randomize
