If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I am naked and annoyed.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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