I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
