If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
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