ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
