I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize