If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Mom said you looked used
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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