Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Randomize
