Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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