why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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