now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
third nipple confirmed
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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