Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
