all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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