even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
