Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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