i can't believe i had my finger in that
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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