And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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