i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
