we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize