I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
