im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
sarcasm needs its own font
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
