Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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