You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
