He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
