I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
