What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize