ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
