At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Randomize
