I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
