I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize