my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
