capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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