He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
