I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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