There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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