I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
