I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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