why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
