you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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