Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
