you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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