So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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