Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
