I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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