You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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