2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
