he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
