The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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