I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
