margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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