I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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