I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
