i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
